Bride and Groom Kissing
Last night was my step-daughter’s wedding. It was beautiful, she was beautiful, the groom was handsome, and it was a happy event for everyone. So, why am I so unsettled and melancholy about it? I guess it is because it was such a great group of diverse family members who in spite of past wrongs towards each other, differences, family feuds, and lifestyles it all worked and everyone excited and thrilled. I am unsettled because my “perfect” family who grew up in Utah where “Families are Forever” could never have pulled this off.
Last night at the wedding my husband’s ex-wife was there and she and I have gotten along well for years in spite of the fact that they were once together. She is now part of my family like a fun slightly younger sister of sorts. Her current husband has been recovering from cancer and he put together all of the beautiful table arrangements. His son who is gay attended with his partner who caught the bride’s bouquet. While this was an odd twist of this timely ritual it was not only accepted but made the event happier and a lot more fun. We were ex wives and ex husbands and much more and we were all there together for a daughter we loved.
The bridesmaids wore tattoos and bright blue dresses and looked beautiful in spite of the fact that I believe tattoos should only appear in the navy. One guest looked a little out of place with baggy hip hop knickers and a baseball cap worn sideways but after the refreshments, he was terrific and pitched right in helping me clean up and I felt bad for not only judging him a little but for not getting his name and thanking him. (it appears I still have a lot to learn from growing up Mormon)
I wore pants and not a dress and my husband, the father of the bride, changed into tennis shoes and no one cared. The brides two sisters struggled for 2 days making the cake and a friend gave a discount on using her Bed and Breakfast for the event. We never found the mustard for the deli tray sandwiches and no one cared.
It didn’t matter what someone wore, who they were with, what their beliefs were, or what wrongs that had committed in the past (except for me who ignored my former boss and brother-in-law because I am apparently not as nice as everyone else). It didn’t matter that the 4 year old ring bearer was holding a bag of candy during the ceremony to keep him happy or if he took off his suit jacket almost immediately. All that mattered was as strange and diverse as we all were; no one cared because all that mattered was the joining of two people who loved each other.
In contrast, my family barely speaks and does not notify each other of many important events anymore. My mother has had two conversations with me lately both which consisted of how “uncomfortable she and my dad are when they go to birthday parties at their grandson’s house because of all of the tattoos and piercings and band members.” As a matter of fact when their grandson was married to the woman he loved all they talked about was how horrible it was that the bride and groom had tattoos. (do you see where Iget it from?)
You see, my parents and younger sister and her family are still active members of the Mormon Church and the rest of us are in varying degrees of agnosticism, atheism, and “I don’t really give a shit.” And that is core of the problem.
My younger sister’s son was married this year in the Mormon temple. This meant that ONLY active temple recommend holding family and friends could attend and NOT his twin brother who had left the Church; his twin could only attend the reception. While they sent out invitations to most of the family there were some who, because of beliefs or lifestyle choices, were not even sent an invitation. My son and his wife and young children live in my parents basement and were not only NOT invited to the reception, no one told them that their cousin was getting married. They found out the night of the reception when they called to ask my dad (who was at the reception) a question about the wireless router. My son said he didn’t care that they weren’t invited and I guess why would they? The family might as well live in different countries, let alone a couple of towns away from each other. I asked my mom why they had not bothered to send my son and his wife an invite or at least tell him and they said “they probably thought he knew about it.” My other sister’s son and family, you know, the one with the tattoos, was also not invited. My other two sisters declined to come because they also knew that they would have been less than welcome. I didn’t because I live several states away and knew some may have been uncomfortable with an atheist family member showing up.
So their wedding had all of the “right people” selected to attend and who looked and acted the part, but how could it have NOT been a completely hollow event when you have purposely left out family because they are different than you are?
Maybe I am over thinking things (which I will admit I do a lot.) I now see things differently after leaving the church. Maybe I am an ass who makes too much out of all of this. I lived for years feeling like I had a perfect childhood and perfect family. Things started looking different the day I woke up, studied things out, and came to a different conclusion about life. I found out that there were skeleton’s in my own closet and my families closets and that the Church, while part of my childhood, was a sham. Maybe it’s a little like people who believe in conspiracy theories and see them everywhere…..I see dysfunction everywhere. Perhaps I feel as I do because as a Mormon child (and sadly adult for a time) I always felt a little better than other people because I was one of the “God’s Chosen” and NOT like other people who got tattoos, drank alcohol, and got divorced. I really DID have a great childhood. It just all fell apart when we kids became adults, lived out own lives and thought for ourselves.
So, last night, this eclectic, diverse, and strangely wonderful dysfunctional family, all came together for a beautiful wedding and not only did no one care about the differences, no one even noticed. (except for me who was over thinking) We were all family and that was all that mattered. So today I am melancholy and wishing my own immediate family could get past tattoos, religion, politics, lifestyles, and our differences and just enjoy our time together. Sadly, the term “Families are Forever” takes on new a whole meaning when the family members make different decisions.
