As always, I find myself in a precarious position. Like the words in the chorus of the song by the Steve Miller Band “Stuck in the Middle With You”

Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with you
Yes, I’m stuck in the middle with you

And I’m wondering what it is I should do
It’s so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losin control, yea I’m all over the place

The political and social battle continues in my life between the Jokers on the right and the Clowns on the left. It plays out daily on my TV set, in my email inbox, and spills over into just about every other facet of my existence; my job, my marriage, my community…….if had a more exciting life and went out more, it would follow me there too.

Luckily my husband is able to put down his sword occasionally and let me strike an ineffective verbal blow. Mostly though, we just respect and accept each other and while he is a Republican and firmly hunkered down with the Jokers on the right, on many of the social issues he is left of the middle with me and some of the Clowns. It seems much easier for him than me to find this balance. Perhaps it is because he was not raised the way I was and is not being pushed and pulled like I am. I seem to have gone further to the left (or have rebelled and been driven) and while I have not completely joined the circus, I have been wearing a red plastic nose and some face paint.

Does that make me wishy washy? A fence sitter? Possibly, but I prefer to call myself open minded (it sounds better) and willing to back off a belief or viewpoint when facts present themselves differently. There are ideas, actions and positions I like and gravitate towards with the Jokers AND the Clowns as well as positions and ideas, and actions I despise of both. I wish I could just be part Joker and part Clown depending on the issue but it is getting increasingly more and more difficult to not take a decisive and firm position with either side of this war. How do I find the balance? I was raised a Joker but I am also part Clown.

I feel alone with this a lot of the time. I am without the support of either of my fellow Jokers or Clowns because I can’t completely commit to either ideology or battle plan for the country and the future.

I made this same mistake a few years ago when I was stuck in the middle with my religious beliefs. I was raised Mormon and while I walked like a duck and talked like a duck, I was researching on my own and finding it increasingly difficult to continue to quack any longer. At one point I had no choice but to either quack or get out of the water and I did. I got out and made an informed decision that there was no flock I believed in and would be quacking on my own. This started a war with my family that will possibly never end.

It is interesting how long you can continue a charade and convince yourself and others that you belong. You can keep it up for quite awhile but it is wearing and debilitating to NOT stand up for yourself or your views. You waffle back and forth between agreeing just to appease the person talking or trying to gently put in your 2 cents worth and hope you can retain some of your basic self worth while not rocking the boat too much. Eventually I wore down and not only started adding my 2 cents worth but the whole dollar and then some. My militant approach to standing up for myself might work at a protest rally but this approach does not work well with family members, especially my parents.

Sadly, I still need to keep up this charade in other parts of my life. I am atheist but need to brand myself as agnostic because I know if I don’t, I will again be rocking the boat too much and end up floating alone in the ocean with only an inner tube. So when it comes to religion……….I am stuck in the middle. I love some of the values, ideas, and actions of both sides and despise some of both. I can’t stay in the middle forever and I know that one day I will have to completely “come out” but for now…….I keep my duck costume on hand and practice quacking.

When it comes to politics though, I AM stuck in the middle. I know there are many out there who like me……agree with and subscribe to many of the attributes of the Jokers and the Clowns (and despise others) but we have no “side” we can fully belong to. There is no group called The Fence Sitters or The Open Minders except for The Moderates but seriously, saying you are a moderate just leads to attacks from Jokers AND Clowns with each side trying their best to either bring you back into the fold or drag you across their line.

I want to continue to have my politics served cafeteria style. I want to pick and choose a little of this and a little of that. I WANT what some of the Jokers are serving: fiscal responsibility, a return to some of our core values and the principles of the constitution. I DON’T want their moral hypocrisy, ideology based governance, or lack of future thinking. I WANT what some of the Clowns are serving: a more inclusive society, a playing field that is a little more level, and future thinking I feel we need globally. I DON’T want a redistribution of wealth, a complete change in what makes America great, or the loss of our core values.

I want to be able to walk up to the Jokers and the Clowns and take a little of this and a little of that and perhaps even try a few dishes they are serving to see if that’s what I really want. Unfortunately, while I can do this for awhile, eventually like at election time, I will not be able to stay in the middle. I will have to join the Jokers or Clowns because those of us just wearing a small red plastic nose or one little jingle bell on their hat, will not survive. I know that one day, in order to keep the peace in my life with family and friends, I will probably need to choose and join the Jokers. I will need to take off my red plastic nose and put it away (and perhaps sneak out with it occasionally when no one is looking). I will need to walk like a Joker and talk like a Joker……..But I am a Joker and also a Clown and anyone, especially my husband, who really knows me, can vouch for that.