Holding onto the Cross
I sometimes feel like I live in an upside down universe or possibly an asylum for the semi-functionally insane. This is a universe where many of my family and friends, and almost everyone else, has a belief in the absurd or idiotic. A place where sanity is reviled and the impossible revered.
In this upside down world I live in, I am often forced to placate those whose beliefs I find delusional. Why? Because if I didn’t, I know I my relationships with family members and friends would sufferer (even more than it already has.) If I didn’t nod and smile in the workplace, I could possible kiss my job goodbye. I can stand up for my own beliefs and non-theist views, I can pretend to agree, which doesn’t sit well with me, or I can and usually do, just smile and move the conversation in another direction. If I am backed into a corner I just say; “I am not a religious person.” If I state the truth though, that I am a flaming atheist (or agnostic if I am feeling a little too chicken,) the shit hits the fan.
They either look at me as if I were a snake (while trying to get away from me as quick as possible,) try to “save” me, or become completely hostile. My teenage daughters have already realized that while they have been taught that there is freedom OF religion there isn’t freedom FROM religion. They know that if their friend’s parents found out their mom was an atheist and that they too were non-believers…..they would have few friends. They have learned from my tales of woe that while the law says you cannot be discriminated against because of your religious beliefs you damn sure can be discriminated because of your LACK of religious beliefs.
So I often placate as much as I can without getting sick and then feel my way through the awkward pauses while I try to have a conversation that doesn’t include references to prayer or God blessing me.
This scenario came into play again this weekend when acquaintance from work called me needing some advice and a shoulder to cry on. After an extended period of extremely poor decisions, ranging from past drug abuse to an abusive relationship….she fell off the wagon because he wasn’t treating her right. This is a man who tried to run over her and her with his car when they were dating…..you think that this behavior would scream “I MIGHT NOT MAKE A GOOD HUSBAND!” She walked into their apartment the other night and he had moved out and taken most of her stuff. So……..she decided to scrap her recovery and go on a binge.
When she called me she was distraught and do you know why? Oh, she was upset at her pig of a husband but she was more upset because she felt “God had let her down!” Seriously, this was God’s fault? She had been in recovery and going to church and I guess she felt she could make all of the asinine decisions she wanted and God would take care of things. I had to explain to her once again that (placating her of course so as not to get her hostile) “I am not religious and that if there WAS a God, perhaps he was waiting for her to make better choices.” She took it well, perhaps because she was in the middle of a drunken stupor and won’t even remember talking to me.
I see her at work and she often refers to God and letting God guide her life and or “putting her life in God’s hands.” She says that “her husband just needs to put Christ first” In my opinion he just needs to stop being a prick. So…..I smile and nod trying to be respectful because if I tell her what I am really thinking, she will never speak to me again. I want to tell her “Good grief, if you have put your life in God’s hands and this is the best he can do for you, take your damn life back and put it in your own hands.” I want to say to her “Quit using God as an excuse to avoid making hard and tough decisions about your life and where it’s going.”
Each time I hear someone say to me “God bless you.” I catch myself giving a nod and a smile and trying not to feel forced into saying it in return. What I really want to say is “No thanks, I’m atheist.” When someone at work starts a conversation about “how blessed they are or how God’s answers prayers.” I want to say “Seriously, you think God answers prayer? Which prayers? The one where you thought he helped you find a good parking spot or job or the prayers of all of the children dying of cancer? Does God pick 1 prayer a day out of a magical hat to answer and leave the rest to deal with their problems alone? If he blessed you so that YOU got the job, does that mean he unblessed everyone else who were praying to get it?”
I go through the same things with friends and family who believe other “weird crap” like astrology, or the Mayans predicting the end of the world in 2012, or UFO abductions or predicting the future. They start discussing this with me and I smile and nod or placate the idiocy with statements like “I am not a big believer in astrology or UFO abductions or ghosts” They then back me in a corner trying to convince me why I should believe my personality has anything to do with Mars or Venus. I have to placate them somewhat because if I say to them “WTF are you kidding me? “ Working with them may prove difficult. So….we have this “dance.” I shy away or nicely tell them I am “not a big believer” and they harass me with their idiocy trying to MAKE me a believer. They try to give me some weird homeopathic formula to drink or give me a vague astrology chart. Sometimes I crack and when I do……it is generally for the last time with that individual because we then avoid each other.
My last visit with my parents ended in an argument with my mother over Jean Dixon’s predictions in the 60’s. She had been baiting me all weekend about religion and hocus pocus and I had been trying to smile and nod so as to not be confrontational. It all came too a head when she went on and on about how true Jean Dixon’s predictions were so I said “Well, I am not a big believer in this but I’ll check it out.” She then pounced (that is the only way to describe her reaction) on me telling me that “She knew what she was talking about and knew it was true because she remembered seeing it on TV years ago.” She also said, (and this is where it really started to go downhill) that “I should not need to check things out or research them because since she was telling me she saw it on TV, I should just believe that it was true and take her word for it.” That was the end of harmony on that visit.
I wish I could be more like Richard Dawkins or Sam Harris and just let it all out. I wish I could just stand up all of the time for my rational thought and belief system without feeling the need to smile and nod. Unfortunately, I don’t make my living from being an Atheist and I will have to continue placating and nodding in order to keep some semblance of a job or relationships. I wonder though, why the hell should I. Why do I have to smile and pretend that I don’t think they have lost their mind?
I wish I had the guts to do the same thing to them…..to just bring up evolution or rational thought on a whim and watch them try and placate me. But, we all know that will never happen. They know that majority rules and for now, they are the majority and that they are the ones who get to force us to smile and nod to keep our jobs or family ties…..but not for long. I think someday as we learn more and more about the universe we live in…..my children or grand children will free thinkers in the majority and the quacks will have to placate them.
But for now…..I am practicing my smiles and nods.
