When the crazy just WON’T go away!

Yesterday two Mormon missionaries came to our door. They both looked so young and slightly nervous walking up to the porch. I guess you never know what will greet you as a missionary……an angry Christian fundamentalist……a nut……someone on the fringe of society looking for anything and anyone who will make them feel they belong…….or like me, an ex-Mormon – atheist.

Since I grew up Mormon, they were a familiar sight and surprisingly, they brought back feelings of nostalgia from my childhood. You see, you can leave the Mormon Church and you can even stop believing in its teachings or doctrine or even God but……culturally, you will always be Mormon. Being raised Mormon in Provo, Utah no less; I will always remember fondly, the primary songs of my youth, potluck dinners in the gym, cutting through Donaldson’s backyard to get there on time, and more. Stories of my ancestors the pioneers with their multiple wives and constant stream of miracles will always be part of my own history and childhood memories. It is a culture that sadly, you have to leave behind when you move towards a reality based belief system and no longer accept their doctrine.

We talked on the porch for a little while. They were so young, wide eyed and shy. They certainly did not know how to answer me or even what to say in reply to my comments.

I think they, like many Mormons I know, are just so used to looking beyond the weird myths, tall tales, impossibilities, and inconsistencies in religion that they no longer question it. One of them asked me “why did you leave the church?” I explained that I left the church and religion in general really because I finally stopped taking the stories and tales told as fact and decided to search them out for myself……..once I started down the road of “fact finding” I could no longer continue down the road of gullibility. Not just with Mormonism but with its roots, Christianity.

Mormons, especially in the missionary program have a saying when it comes to new members and mainly converts called “milk before meat.” In other words, give happy faith promoting stories with little content while they get their feet wet before you give them the more bizarre and confusing crap that might possibly make them run for the hills.
Religion looks good from a distance but when you look close and put it under scrutiny, it’s NOT pretty. When you step back and actually look at facts, timelines, history, and science, then apply them to Mormonism, the Bible and other religious beliefs……..it becomes clear to you. It isn’t and never was based on fact. You might feel like a fool because you didn’t take the time to investigate earlier……like a “mark” who has been duped by a con, it becomes almost embarrassing that you thought the tall tales were true.

You could stay and pretend but……you can’t. The fellowship is wonderful but……now that you know the truth it isn’t the same. Like a woman who has suspected her husband of cheating on her……once you actually know the facts and have the proof, you can no longer pretend to be part of his life. The truth sets you free but takes part of you with it, the part that WANTED to believe and looked the other way when 1 +1 equaled 3 when you knew it should have equaled 2.
You think your family wants you to be true to yourself and what you believe but in reality; they want you to keep pretending with them. They know that as you stopped looking the other way and looked straight into the weirdness…….they might feel compelled to look someday too.

I asked one of the missionaries if the church as a whole still believes the Garden of Eden was in Missouri and that someday the members would all march there in the last days? He said yes but when I looked at face while he answered me……he seemed almost embarrassed. Maybe he was afraid, afraid that I had brought up something he DIDN’T want to look at closely. I asked them both “how do you overlook the weird stuff? We know the Earth is Not 6,000 years old and that there was NO global flood. We know that Joseph Smith was somewhat a con artist and treasure hunter BEFORE he founded the church? How do you look the other way and just join in the fellowship and accept the happy family stories while pretending the weirdness is not there?” One of the boys looked at me and said “he just tried not to think about it and had decided he might know someday and for now, it wasn’t important that he know all the answers.”

Perhaps he can do that for now but……one day will he too “wake up” and decide he wants answers to these questions NOW? Will he want the “meat” regardless of the outcome? When he does, will he too be unable to keep pretending fellowship is enough? Will his family then feel he is a pariah because he can no longer overlook the weird shit and pretend true knowledge isn’t important?

I told them it was a little like it was when I was young and I was told there really was NO Santa Claus. The magic was gone, and it was a little embarrassing to think you once believed in flying reindeer. The next year I even tried to pretend to myself that perhaps there WAS a Santa but…….the spell was broken. I could no longer believe in the magic man who lived with elves.

So…….here I am now. I looked at my religion under the microscope and realized the weirdness had always been there……I had just been averting my eyes or I was too busy with the fellowship aspects to bother looking. Perhaps I was brainwashed into thinking I was wrong to even question and that all I needed was faith, but it just wasn’t enough. I had to have answers.

I find it difficult if not impossible to talk about it with my parents or even with Christian friends because they cannot (or will not) look and they cannot accept me as I am now…….a non-believer. They expect me to still smile and pretend……but just like a woman who has discovered lipstick on her husband’s collar………fellowship is not enough. I can’t overlook the weirdness of the “meat” and pretend it is just a glass of “milk.”