I am sure this will piss off some of the dog lovers out there but….when someone comes over to your house, they MIGHT be someone who does NOT want to be attacked, mauled, or groped or even sexually assaulted by your dog/dogs. Some people, like my step-daughter, are self-aware and realize this. When I visit her, she politely makes them lie down or go elsewhere…….I appreciate this a lot……….Sadly though, some people feel that EVERYONE loves their dogs as much as they do. This week I went over to a friend’s house and their two dogs were acting like a couple of animals who had just attended a crack party. The big one was intent and Hell-bent on having full access to my “lady parts” and the little one was jumping up in the air, barking constantly, all over me, and between the two of them……made the visit extremely annoying and unpleasant. I like dogs but choose to not have one now because of the whole barking, pooping, vomiting, digging, hair everywhere issue but that is beside the point……here are my tips for dog owners:

1. If you know someone is coming over and you are NOT willing to corral your wild hoard of pack dogs that rush out to every vehicle as if it were a downed antelope they were ready to eat……at least warn your visitors so they can either NOT visit you or come armed with a bat.

2. If you are visiting with someone at your house and you can see that your dog is sexually molesting them with its nose…..get the damn dog out of there. It makes for an awkward bit of conversation to have to tell someone (who should be able to see it plainly) that while bestiality may be fun for some…..you are not into it and would prefer to NOT have their dog’s nose up your ass.

3. If you have a dog who is somewhat menacing, likes to growl at others, grab their clothing with their teeth, or bark and block them from moving like a junkyard guard dog…..perhaps you could wake up from your stupor and realize your guest feels uncomfortable and put your damn dog up. Telling your guest……”he is usually very friendly” or “he usually likes everyone” or “he won’t hurt you he just thinks he is tough and like to intimidate people”‘ DOES NOT MAKE YOUR GUEST FEEL BETTER if you continue to let the dog growl, bare it’s teeth, or “playfully bite your pant leg.”

4. If you have a muddy yard and a dog who like to jump on others……as much fun and entertaining as YOU think this is, most people do NOT want their clothes muddied or ruined because you cannot control your animal. Telling me; “let me get you a wet rag to wipe off the mud” does NOT mean you are a good host. If you know your dog is a jumper, unless I have specifically told you I was coming to visit the damn dog, put the dog someplace else.

5. If you have invited me for dinner and you have a dog or dogs that are used to being in your kitchen and eating with you, please realize that some of us find dogs hovering around their legs under the table waiting for handouts, unpleasant. This can be especially unnerving when you are trying to eat while they are sniffing your crotch or sitting there staring at you through the whole meal………………………and speaking of meal, please refrain from touching your dog and petting it while you are cooking food you will be serving to others. If you can’t refrain from touching your pets while you are handling food, at LEAST wash your damn hands.

6. If you are coming to visit me and on psychotic whim decide to bring your dog or dogs with you, don’t unless you ask me first. I will say no but pretend you are trying to be courteous for a minute ok? If you are stopping by unannounced and happen to have the monsters with you……don’t let them out to chase and maul our pets or to take a crap in my yard. ASK me if you can unleash the unholy terror.

I understand you love your dogs and other pets. I have a couple of cats (because they belonged to the children who left them here when they grew up and moved out) and I like having them around sometimes but I would notice and put them somewhere else if they were clawing your face or pant legs, climbing all over you and making your noticeably uncomfortable, or if I noticed you were trying to keep cat hair from clinging to your clothing.

If you came to visit I would not expect you to have a pride of cats menacing you or forcing you to pet and hold them. If you came for a visit and my cats went ape shit and acted like they were on crystal meth never leaving you alone…..I would be aware of you as a guest and put them outside or lock them un until you left.

So dog lovers. I get that you love your dog and every stupid thing it does fills you with joy. I get that your world, where you go, how long you can be gone, and even where you step, is controlled by your dog. I get it. But when come over to visit……I am coming to visit YOU, not your dog. OK?