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A Letter To My Parents
It’s been approximately 4 years since the fateful day in your dining room when, after months of avoiding the issue,
mom asked me: “ Can you tell me honestly how you feel about the church?†I then said, "I am not sure you really want to know."I Mom said "Yes, I really want to know." So, I told the truth about what I had learned and how I felt about the church, and all religion in general, and that I didn't believe in it and felt religion was simply man made. From that point on nothing was the same between us and wouldn't be again.
I guess I knew it was going to be a touchy subject, since I kept avoiding the issue, I did not at the time though,
realize how much our relationship depended on me being a believer and member of the church. The fact that I stated openly that I did not have a belief in religion what so ever.....was the icing on
the cake. Not only would our relationship cease to be the same.....it would become less than civil and at times, hostile.
What is interesting to me is that for years I was completely inactive in religion and while I did not openly state I was a non-believer, I simply didn't care enough to even bother to go to church or find out what I believed in. During this time of inactivity and lack of genunine interest, our relationship never changed and you did not seem to mind that I didn't go to church, we rarely discussed religion or politics and you seemed to love and care
about me and my children regardless of our lack on interest in religion.
Perhaps it was because you felt like it didn't matter and you cared regardless? Perhaps it was because my lack of
interest did not extinguish all hope for my coming back into the fold? Perhaps though while we were growing up, while
we went to church and lived in a religious community, we were not overly religious as a family. So I guess while I was
avoiding the issue of my completely lack of belief, I felt it would be too much of a disappointment for you and NOT
that it would become the deal breaker for our relationship and for your relationship with your grand daughters whom
you were so close to.
I don't know what made me decide to stop sitting on the sidelines and make the decision to try and study the church
to see what I really believed. I know you blamed it on my marriage to Alan because he was not religious but really he didn't
care what I believed as long as I was true to myself. He had never really been exposed to religion and when we met, even with all of the petty arguments we had regarding it and the odd beliefs, he still wanted me to decide for myself. He saw me hiding my coffee so that the girls would not find out. He saw me change the station on the radio so that they would not know their mom listened to rock music, he saw me at 50 years old, going to a church I did
not want to go to or was sure I even believed in for fear my the girls dad and grandparents would find out and think I was
an unfit mothe. What Alan did convince me to do was to find out for myself and then to be honest with others and true to
my own set of beliefs. Isn't that really what we all should want for our children
............to make their own decisions
based on thoughtful study and research and then be true to themselves?
I studied and read and researched the church and came to my own conclusion that it was not only NOT true it was irrational,
unfactual, and idiotic. I then decided to research religion in general and found it that so much of it was so blatantly false
I was quite shocked and stunned. As I and the girls started pulling away from the church....you both started making it more
of an issue....little comments to the girls about my not "doing the right thing," comments to me...little digs about it. I guess I was also doing my own digs and comments. You pushed harder out of a despiration to bring me back and I pulled harder to get away from a belief system I found ignorant, backward and wrong for me and my family.
Things went from bad to worse with each of us saying things that damanaged the relationship so badly it was going to be
difficult enough to repair but tent politics were brought into the equation and it has caused such a rift I am not sure if
any repairs done can ever mend the wounds left behind. If so, the scars on both sides will always be there.
I am not sure what I could have done differently. Oh I should have been less militant about my beliefs or lack of them.
I think though that no matter how old you are disagreeing with your parents on important issues can become a little militant especially if the parents are unwilling to accept the rights of the adult child to stand on their own.
Should I have never answered mom's question and avoided the issue forever? I am not sure if avoiding it would have been possible for much longer. Should I have lied to you both and pretended? Again, I am not sure that would have been possible for much longer and really, I was really tired of living a lie. I have the right as an adult and a human being to have my own beliefs, opinions, and viewpoints. I guess that leave just one option, to be honest with you. It appears though that for you, the only thing that would have salvaged things was to keep lying and pretending. I couldn't do that so here we are.
Our relationship has now degraded to email wars between me and dad and silance between me and mom. When we talk we seem to have nothing to talk about which is strange because years ago we did not discuss religion and politics. You have both become so extreme in your involvement with the church and far right politics I don't know how to relate to you. On the other hand, since I have become further involved in science and left leaning political views, I feel as far as you're concerned I might as well be cavorting with Satan. I know you don't relate to me. We have no respect for each others views and that makes conversation difficult.
Some good things have happened though, as sisters, Carol and I were always at odds with each other and at times been enemies over religion, politics, or your attention. Now that I have been able to break away from old views she and I have been able to form a relationship. Unfortunately, it started because dad was targeting and harassing us with political emails but we have mended our relationship none the less.
So, where do we go from here? I feel it is quite sad because you have become so unaccepting of anything not put out by Fox News or the church that it is fairly impossible for those of us in the family who do not believe as you to have a relationship with you. Scott does not believe in the church but shares the same political views so he gets a pass. It also helps that he is the son and doing well financially which I am sure you find comfort in. You have backed yourself into a very narrow corner and I hate to say this but dad, your extreme views and lack of ability to let others have their own..... mixed with an obsessive need to harass others about it, have really caused the already large divide to grow larger. Mom, your inability to accept the fact that others may have as much or different knowledge than you, makes it very difficult to have a conversation with you. You both seem to try and start quarrels and even say things to other family members about others than make it difficult to forgive. Now it seems easier to ignore you which a few years ago I would never have even considered.
I understand why, even in the face of overwelming lack of evidence, people believe in religion. It is comforting and frankly, the two of you have a lifestyle completely based around it. I do think it's sad though.....and this is simply my opinion.....that the two of you are throwing away relationships with family members who have such differing here on earth because of something you believe MIGHT happen in the hereafer or supernatural realm.
I miss you both. I miss the friendships we had. I miss WANTING to call and share something with you and not calling out of duty and dreading the conversation because it feels so awkward. I miss feeling like we were a normal but dysfunctional family and not a family so completely divided. From dad I get political or silly emails and I can ignore them or comment. Mom, you never make any attempt to contact me or the girls. Neither or you have treated Alan well and you both blew any chance for a relationship with him when you were out here.
There is not a day that goes by where I don't wish things were different, or we had handled them different, or could be different but unfortunately, religion seems to have taken it all away. It has been the single most divisive things in our lives.....don't you find it strange for something with a slogan "Families Are Forever?" I guess that's only true if you all have the same belief
system huh?
Cindy
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