Most of us are familiar with the standard Bible stories we learned in Sunday school. Religions generally focus on the same old stories (for obvious reasons) like; Noah’s Ark, Daniel in the lion’s den, and Jesus healing the sick. But as boring as most of the Passages can be, nothing prepares you for the shock you feel when you read the entire Bible and come upon the twisted reality of these myths and legends. When you read some of these lesser known, bizarre, and idiotic tales you find stories about mass circumcisions, living corpses, incest, rape, and even talking asses (donkeys not men.)
Here is a little quiz to see how much you know about the OTHER Bible stories you may be less familiar with:
All of the correct answers with corresponding scriptural reference can be found at the end of the quiz. Good Luck!
1. If you are a preacher or prophet walking through town and a group of unruly children tease you about being bald, the correct response to their behavior would be:
A. Continue on your way and ignore them because after all, they are just children.
B. Curse them in the name of the Lord and have a couple of bears rip them limb from limb.
C. Use this as an opportunity to teach them about kindness towards others.
2. One of your children has been disrespectful and disobeyed you. The correct reaction as a parent should be:
A. Have your child stoned to death for disobeying.
B. Use this as a teaching moment and help your child earn how to respect you as well as others.
C. Use an age appropriate punishment such as: time out, grounding, or other rational method suitable for the offense.
3. True or false. Anyone, regardless of their physical appearance, can come to church or the sanctuaries.
A. True
B. False
4. When the Sons of God (corrupted angels) mated with the daughters of men (mortal Earth women) their offspring were:
A. Dwarves
B. Elves
C. Fairies
D. Giants
5. What should the proper punishment from God be if you conduct a census incorrectly?
A. Seven years of famine
B. Three months of fleeing from your enemies
C. Pestilence (disease) which kills 70.000 men and approx 200,000 women and children
D. All of the above.
6. If God is going out for a drive, which lesser known mode of transportation is one of his favorites?
A. Chariot
B. Flying Cherub
C. Plane
D. Cloud
7. What kind of beasts and or wild animals did Isaiah say the Lord will send when he delivers his vengeance? Hint: there is more than one answer.
A. Satyrs
B. Unicorns
C. Ducks
D. Owls
E. Bullocks
F. Dragons
G. Dogs
H. Cats
I. Bulls
J. cormorants
K. bitterns
L. ravens
8. What is the best way to dispose of demons and devils when you have cast them out of another person?
A. Tell Satan to come and get them because they are his responsibility
B. Call the Ghost Busters
C. Wait until trash day and have them picked up as hazardous waste
D. Cast a spell on them and make them disappear
E. Cast them into a herd of swine and run them over a cliff
9. How many righteous people can potentially go to heaven?
A. Who ever has been good, there is no limit
B. Only good Christians (or Muslims or Catholics, depending on what your religious beliefs are)
C. It is a set amount of only 144,000 who can go to heaven
D. It doesn’t matter because heaven is an imaginary place
10. If you were a God and you were trying to make a human being, which raw materials would you choose? (there is more than one answer depending on which version of Genesis you read)
A. take some dust from the earth and mold it into a person and breathe into the nostrils
B. clay
C. paper mache’
D. take a rib from another person and make body
E. chocolate
ANSWERS:
1. If you are a preacher or prophet walking through town and a group of unruly children tease you about being bald……..according to the Bible the correct answer would be:
B. Curse them in the name of the Lord and have a couple of bears come and rip them limb from limb.
(2Kings 2:22-24) So the waters were healed unto this day, according to the saying of Elisha which he spake.
And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him saying ,Go up thou bald head; go up thou bald head.
And he turned back and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the woods, and tore forty and two children of them.
(First of all, how many bears lived in that part of the Middle East back then? Just curious, and seriously, I can think of a lot worse things to call someone than bald. Was he the only bald man to come into that town? Had their been no one else that had lost his hair and seeing him was such a rarity? Let’s not over look God’s complete over reaction to it.)
2. If one of your children has been disrespectful and disobeyed you. According to the Bible, the correct reaction as a parent should be:
A. Have your child stoned to death for disobeying.
(Deut. 21:18-21)
If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father and mother, who does not heed them when they discipline him, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his town at the gate of that place. They shall say to the elders of that town, “This son of our is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.” Then all the men of the town shall stone him to death. So you shall purge the evil from your midst; and all Israel will hear and be afraid.
Since some Christians advocate for taking the Bible literally, why do we not see more teens die from stoning?
3. True or false. Anyone, regardless of their physical appearance, can come to church or the sanctuaries. According to the Bible, the correct answer is:
B. False
(Leviticus 21:16-23)
For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach; a blind man or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or anything superfluous.
Or a man that is brokenfooted or brokenhanded.
Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or he that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken.
No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire; he hath a blemish: he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.
He shall eat the bread of his God, both of the most holy, and the holy.
Only he shall not go in unto the veil, nor come nigh unto the alter, because he hath a blemish; he that profane not my sanctuaries: for I the Lord do sanctify them.
4. According to the Bible, When the Sons of God mated with the daughters of men their offspring were:
D. Giants
em>(Genesis 6: 1-4)And is came to pass, when men began to multiply upon the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them.
That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took wives of all of them which they chose.
And the Lord said, “My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he is also flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came unto the daughters of men, , and they bare children to them, and the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
For a more interesting, detailed and fun account of the race of giants, read The Book of Enoch in the Catholic Bible called The Apocrypha. The Apocrypha was removed from the standard Bibles because as weird as the Bible is…..the Apocrypha was too weird for even it. The Catholic’s left it in because well, frankly, no one probably reads it anyway.
5 According to the Bible, God’s punishment for taking a census incorrectly is:
D. All of the above. All three answers are correct: Famine, fleeing your enemies, and pestilence. God told David he could choose which punishment he wanted but since David couldn’t choose, God chose for him and picked C. Pestilence which killed 70,000 men and 200.00 women and children. The genocide actually got so out of hand that an angel doing God’s bidding had to be stopped because the carnage was so terrible.
(1Chronicles 21:10-15)And the Lord spake unto Gad, David’s seer saying:
Go and tell David saying, Thus saith the Lord, I offer thee three: choose one of them so that I may do it unto thee.
So Gad came to David and said unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Choose thee.
Either three years famine or three months to be destroyed before thy foes while that the sword of thine enemies overtaken thee, or else three days of the sword of the Lord, even pestilence in the land and the angel of the Lord destroying throughout all the coasts of Israel. Now therefore advise thyself what word I shall bring again unto him that sent me.
And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait; let me fall now into the hand of the Lord; for very great are his mercies. But let me not fall unto the hand of men.
So the Lord sent pestilence upon Israel and there fell of Israel 70,000 men.
God sent an angel unto Jerusalem to destroy it. And as he was destroying the Lord beheld and he repented of him of the evil and he said unto the angel that destroyed; It is enough stay now thine hand. And the angel of the Lord stood by the threshing floor of the Oman of Jubusite.
I have to wonder, if counting people incorrectly during a census was so bad it warranted the killing off of thousands of innocent people, why is it not one of the Ten Commandments: “Thou Shalt Not Take a Censes Incorrectly”
6. If God is going out for a drive, one of his favorite and lesser known modes of transportation is:
B. Flying Cherub
While he does like to descend in a Chariot from time to time (and if you answered A. you would be correct also……one of his other favorite rides is the flying cherub (which is also my personal favorite)
(Psalm 18:10)And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly; yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.
(Perhaps we should harness this green technology and use flying cherubs as an alternate source of energy?)
7. According to the Bible and Isaiah the prophet, when God delivers his vengeance he will send:
dragons, satyrs, unicorns, owls, ravens, bulls and bullocks (bullocks being young bulls), cormorants and bitterns
(Isaiah 34: 2-13)
Their slain shall be cast out and their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood.
And all the hosts of heaven shall be dissolved, and the heavens shall be rolled together as a scroll, and all of their hosts shall fall down as the leaf falleth off from the vine, and as a falling fig from the fig tree.
For my sword shall be bathed in heaven; behold, it shall come down upon Idumea, and upon the people of my curse, to judgment.
The sword of the Lord is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams; for the Lord hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls, and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.
For it is the day of the Lord’s vengeance, and the year of recompenses for the controversy of Zion, therefore shall become burning pitch.
It shall not be quenched night or day; the smoke thereof shall go up forever, from generation to generation it shall lie waste; none shall pass through it forever and ever.
But the cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the raven shall dwell in it; and he shall stretch out upon the line of confusion, and the stones of emptiness.
They shall call the nobles thereof to the kingdom, but none shall be there, and all their princes shall be nothing.
And thorns shall come up in her palaces, nettles and brambles in the fortresses thereof, and it shall be an habitation of dragons, and a court for owls.
The wild beasts of the desert shall also meet with the wild beasts of the island, and the satyr shall cry to his fellow, the screech owl shall also rest there, and find for herself a place of rest.
(Wow, why don’t they teach THAT in Sunday school? I am sure it would grasp the little kiddie’s attention quicker than turning water into wine. I sure wouldn’t want to piss this God off and have unicorns and satyrs come down and “make the dust fat with fatness,” would you? )
8. According to the Bible, the best way to dispose of demons and devils after you have cast them out of someone is:E. Cast them into a herd of innocent swine and run them over a cliff.
(Matt 8:30-32)
And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding.
So the devils besought him saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine.
And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine; and behold, the whole herd of swine rand violently down a steep place into the sea and perished in the waters.
(You have to wonder first, why did the devils WANT to go into a herd of swine. Was is because of some kind of pig fetish? Second, who owned the swine and wouldn’t they be a little pissed off if someone, even if it was a prophet or savior who took their whole herd of swine and livelihood, and ran it over a cliff? Wouldn’t that be illegal even back then, destroying someone else’s property?)
9. According to the Bible, the number of people who will be allow to go to heaven is:
C. There is a set limit of only 144,000 allowed to enter
(Revelations 7:4)
And I heard the number of them which were sealed; and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel.
(Few Christians take the 144,000 number seriously of course, but you have to wonder how they pick and choose which idiocy to believe and which to ignore. But there are some who believe this literally such as the Jehovah’s Witnesses. They believe that there are two distinct classes of believers: the 144,000 “Anointed” that will be going to heaven and the “Great Crowd” that will remain here on earth. Their book called The Watchtower teaches that heaven was closed in 1935, and that everyone else will either be killed at Armageddon (if they are not JWs) or live forever on earth. Since apparently to them heaven is closed…..why do they bother trying to get there?)
10. According to the Bible, depending on which part of Genesis you read, you can make another human being by using:
A. taking the dust from the earth and forming a person and breathing into the nostrils (note: this only works if you are a God with magical breath)
B. clay
D. taking a rib from another person (or stealing it while they are asleep as God did with Adam) but this method apparently only makes females.
(Gen 2: 7, 21-22)
And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul
And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up on the flesh thereof.
And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
There are many cultures worldwide regarding their diety molding man from clay:The Babylonian account has a man molded from earth mixed with the blood of the god Bel. Prometheus of Greek legend molded a man out of clay at Panopeus in Phocis Greece. The Dyaks of Sakarran, Borneo, have the first man molded from damp earth by their god Salampandai. the Nias of Sumatra believe their god, Luo Zaho, did the same thing (p. 15). The Cheremiss of Russia, a Finnish people, believe the Creator molded a man out of clay. And the list goes on and on. Of course, in the case of the Babylonian, Egyptian and Greek tales, the documentation existed prior to the advent of Christianity.
